#3 Swords

If a knight is using a morning star or an axe he is the wrong kind of knight. These weapons haven't got the flair of the sword, nor the edge, nor the za-za; he'd be no better than men-at-arms. A snicker-snacking Vorpal Blade is what you want; your own gold-hilted-diamond-encrusted-Freudian Excalibur, can you think of a named morning star? ("of +2 versus trolls" does not count)

Knights like the feel of something long, hard and dangerous in their hand. So do damsels, but this is quite different. A sword, especially an ornamented one, shows any passing serfs or peons who is boss and that they'd better be fulfilling their feudal dues or they'll meet the hilt of this baby across their foreheads, bitches. If you are a passing serf or peon, first show the proper respect by grovelling, then if you want the knight to like you (and possibly not commandeer your food/horse/wife for questing), ask him how he got his sword. He will proceed to explain the epic tale, so make lots of oohs and aahs. Just do not point out the local blacksmith's trademark symbol on the blade, he may smite you. Either way, you'll have given him a good mood for the rest of the day.

#2 Damsels in distress

Pretty, pure, innocent and totally naive, the damsel in distress (DID) is constantly sought by knights. They even go so far as to get themselves in peril frequently, often requiring a quest to rescue them from a villain. Rescuing DIDs is akin to doing hard drugs for anyone else; knights have to do it and they have to do it often, or else they'll get withdrawal symptoms (in knights this results in loss of bravado, grey hair and leaving the questing business to become a baron in some godforsaken shire). Happily rescuing damsels is not hard and their knightly favours afterwards (damsels are strict virgins, they develop other skills however) are reward enough.

If you are a damsel the best thing you can do for a knight is find an equally naive villain to lock you up in a tower, then research the surroundings to gather hints to feed to your heroic rescuer. Knights are not expected to do the hard work. If you are anyone else the best thing you can do is to make a deal with a would be DID. The morning after being rescued, she will skip off home and you will be free to split the knightly wallet 50/50.

#1 Slaying dragons

A dragon is a great, scaled firebreathing creature, with wings and occasionally one big beefy arm. The knight that slays a dragon will forever have a feather in his cap, for this achievement is what all knights aspire to. To destroy one such creature, a knight needs derring-do, flame retardant overalls, agility, wits and a decent hand at swordery. You can tell a knight that has slain a dragon for he will be standing proud and tall, with some kind of draconic trophy on his person and in possession of no eyebrows.

Although dragons are magpie like creatures, collecting much treasure, knights do not steal their hoards. This type of dishonourable theft is left to dwarfs and hobbits. If a knight saves your village from a malicious dragon you must be prepared to reward him, however poor you are. Knights have simple tastes, though; offer the mead first, then the gold you can spare and a maiden or two (village sluts) and he will wander off happily the next morning.